Malaysian Prime Minister Arrives In New York to Promote Malaysia to American Investors

New York – Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Datuk Seri Nabij arrived at New York yesterday amid some confusion at the airport. A large crowd of Malaysians which included corporate figures and government officials, who had flown in a few days earlier from Malaysia, embassy officials, JPA sponsored students from the prestigious Berkshire University of New York and reporters were waiting for his arrival. Also present were a ‘kompang’ (Malaysia’s official percussion instrument) troupe accompanied by ladies carrying the ‘Bunga Manggar’ (décor often used at Malaysian functions and weddings). What came as a surprise was the presence of President Barack Obama and high ranking US government officials.

When Prime Minister Nabij’s plane arrived at the airport, a red carpet was placed on the tarmac to welcome him. As he appeared from the plane, he was delightfully surprised to see President Obama waiting at the foot of the airstairs. President Barack Obama and the US contingent had a surprised look on the faces upon seeing Prime Minister Nabij and his aesthetically enhanced wife.

“Who is this guy? Why does he have cherry-red lips?” Obama was heard asking his aides. There was confusion and slight panic noted within the US contingent, with quite a number of them seen frantically making calls. The President’s security personnel seemed on heightened alert and rushed closer to the President. Pretty soon they were seen moving him away from the plane. Some snipers spotted on the roof of the airport, had their sniper rifles pointed at the beloved Prime Minister.

One of the security personnel moved closer to the airstairs and held up his hand. “Sir, please remain where you are and identify yourself,” he said sternly while looking at Prime Minister Nabij. Prime Minister Nabij, who was shaking at this point said “I aammmm Nabiiiijjj, PM of Malaysiaaa. I….here to open the Invist Malaysia 2011 at NKVE. Whaaa izz problem? His knees were becoming weak. His wife ran back into the plane for cover. All the Malaysian VIPs, officials and students panicked and were seen running helter skelter. Most headed back into the main terminal. Some hid behind the wheels of the plane.

It was a tense situation. Then, within the minute, a sense of calm came upon the scene when one of the US officials was seen waving to the security personnels and smiling. He then spoke in confidence with the President. The President sported a smile on his face while talking to this official. He then walked up the airstairs while shaking his head in disbelief. He grabbed Nabij’s hands and shook it hard and gave him a hug. Nabij was still shaking and looked confused. He was listening intently to Obama. Nabij was sporting a look of displeasure but this changed quickly to a look of relief. Nabij was finally smiling and for a brief moment, was seen head-butting Obama gently. They both had their arms around each other as they walked down the airstairs and headed for the VVIP lounge at the JFK airport. 

It was later that we understood that the President and his team were at the airport to welcome the new Lebanese Prime Minister, Najib Mikati. The similarity between his name and that of our beloved Prime Minister had resulted in this embarrassing confusion. Prime Minister Mitaki was scheduled to arrive at the same time as Nabij but his plane was delayed.

Our report will continue with Nabij’s Appearance at Invest Malaysia NYSE 2011.

Filed under: Politics, World, Invest Malaysia NYSE 2011, malaysia prime minister, New York, NYSE, President Barack Obama

Malaysia’s Crucial Sodomy Trial – Prominent Opposition Leader Anwari Ordered to Enter Defence Against Sodomy Charge

Kuala Lumpur (Monday 16^thMay 2011): A prominent opposition leader, Anwari Ebrahim is ordered by the Malaysian High Court to enter  his defence against a charge of sodomising his assistant Sayfool bin Book One Hari, three years ago. Anwari appeared at the High Court in full attire and seemed all ready to take on the powers that be. It was hard to establish his composure due to his attire. He was spotted standing at the corner of the courtroom waiting for his name to be called up.

Anwari standing at the corner of the courtroom in full attire

According to the Judge Mr. Doastold Orelse, Sayfool was a credible witness and his evidences / exhibits are highly incriminating although some are pretty pungent. “How can you do that to that boy?” he blasted Anwari. “Not only that, you and your lawyers went to say he is not a credible witness. How can he not be a credible witness when it was his own arsehole that was screwed? And you also say he is not a good Muslim…” at this point Judge Doastold could not hold back his emotions. He was disgusted at the same time. His eyes were welling up. “How can you say he is not a good Muslim,” he continued with slight stammer after having regained his composure. “How do you know he is not a good Muslim, huh? Do you know how much he suffered in trying to uphold justice in this nation? His suffering knew no bounds. That is what good Muslims do. He is a truthful and credible witness as far as I am concerned. His accounts were so detailed that I almost had a hard-on…eh…(clearing of throat)..broke down in tears.” At this point, he gestured at the staffs manning the court audio recorders. The court audience seemed slightly restless.

“Did you know that Sayfool, in an attempt to uphold justice, had preserved the semen stains in and around his anus for more than several days? During this time, he had not washed his anus. Do you know how difficult that is? How long have you gone without washing your anus?” he looked hard at Anwari. “He held back his crap during that period! It takes a lot of mental and physical strength to do that. Now you tell me if he is or is not a credible witness,” he stood up apparently very upset with Anwari and his defense team which includes Cripple Singh. The court audiences were silent. “He underwent great discomfort and sacrificed much in wanting to uphold justice and I will see to it that it is served!” he lambasted. The audiences were dumb-founded. At this point, we noted a noose being put around Anwari’s neck.

The agitated and emotional Judge Doastold

It was reported earlier, that Sayfool had preserved the semen stain around his anus for a considerable period of time before samples were taken and examined. “I can endure any hardship to ensure that justice is served. The nation’s integrity and justice is more important that my personal comfort. I had met our beloved Prime Minister, who had personally inspected my anus and also the semen stains. He gave me personal advice on how to preserve the stain. I am grateful to our beloved Prime Minister.”

“Although he is a very busy man, being the No.1 public servant in the country, he took time to attend to me. He is a very hands-on-man in these matters and will do anything for the interest of the nation. His advise and the time he spent with me is invaluable. I will forever cherish his gentle touch. I must say, not only does he have cherry-red lips but he also has very soft and gentle fingers,” giggled Sayfool during an earlier interview.

It was also reported that during the period Sayfool was preserving the semen stains, not only was his anus covered by fruit flies and larvaes, it was also infected with dangerous flesh eating bacteria and fungus. This resulted in his anus being almost gangrenous and filled with pus. He had called the beloved Prime Minister, who immediately instructed top medical specialist from within the country and abroad, to attend to Sayfool’s anus. Sayfool’s anus was treated carefully and the semen samples were extracted without contamination.

Sayfool's buttocks during preservation of semen stain (Note: Due to graphic nature of his anus, it will not be shown)

The treatment and extraction of the semen sample was very delicate and top specialists were also flown in from the US and UK. Amongst them is Dr. Arserus G. Backbiznes, who specializes in anus specimen extraction. “Yes, in my 40 years of experience, this is the toughest one. It was very difficult procedure. Here we had to treat a severely infected anus and at the same time perform uncontaminated extraction of the semen sample, which is of high national interest. This is the semen that will determine the future of this country.”

The semen samples have since been removed from Sayfool anus and placed at an undisclosed high security location, for further analysis and use during the court proceedings. Apart from the semen samples, it was also reported that the medical team have also found a lot off other evidences from Sayfool’s anus that could help solve many of the nations long pending cases, which could include the highly controversial submarine purchase. “Sayfool’s anus is a treasure trove. I was amazed with the amount of evidences we found. His anus is truly a national treasure.” said one of the medical specialist who wanted to remain anonymous.

Anwari is charged under section 337B of the penal code and if convicted, could be sentenced to 20 years in jail or whipped like a horse. It was hard to determine Anwari’s reaction due to his attire.

Filed under: Local, Politics, anwar, charged with sodomy, malaysia, semen, sodomy trial

Breaking News – Malaysian Christian Leaders Meeting with Beloved Prime Minister a Big Success

(Note from Editor – since publication of this piece was delayed because the reporter was on sick leave, it is no longer considered breaking news – should be more like broken news)

The atmosphere around Kuala Lumpur was jubilant with crowds cheering upon hearing the news about the meeting. A big crowd also gathered at Putrajaya anticipating a speech from our beloved Prime Minister on the outcome of the meeting and also with an aim to urge the beloved Prime Minister to declare public holiday. Malaysians all over the country were keeping their fingers cross in anticipation of the Prime Minister announcement. “We hope we can get a long weekend la. I want to balik kampong (Malay for hometown).” said one crowd member.

The Large Crowd Gathered at Putrajaya

Meanwhile, we received reports that a crowd had also gathered at Kuala Pilah for unknown reasons. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the crowd had gathered for a TV3 JOM Heboh Carnival event. There were no other reports of crowds gathering at other parts of Malaysia.

When our beloved Prime Minister appeared at the balcony overlooking the crowd, the crowd went into a frenzy. They became ecstatic by the mere sight of the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister was accompanied by his  aesthetically enhanced wife. The crowd went silent when his voice cracked through the atmosphere.

“Ahem,” the crowd was attentive. “I would like to say with great delight that the Christians in our country have finally accepted the position of Islam as the official religion of this country and have dropped all efforts to challenge this provision as enshrined in our constitution. It was a great relief for me to hear this from the prominent Christian leaders, with whom, I have just concluded a long meeting. We discussed at length. They voiced some of their grievances, but that is not important. What is more important is that the peace and stability of this nation has been enhanced significantly. The nation has been living in fear ever since independence, in fear of the retaliation from the Christians. The government in power ever since independence, have had many dialogues with the Christians in an effort to defuse this situation but I am glad to say that I, ahem…, we have done it. We can finally live in peace. Peace and harmony have been restored.”

The crowd cheered and fire work displays can be seen at the background. There was great joy and jubilation among the crowd gathered. “I am so happy to hear this,” said 65-year-old Fazliaton, who was in tears. “I have been waiting to hear this ever since I was in school. I was afraid the Inquisition which gripped Europe in the past, would happen here. But now I can sleep soundly at night,” she continued, sobbing. There were shouts of public holiday heard from within the crowd. “Cuti, cuti, cuti (Malay for holiday)….” Can be heard in the air. Our beloved Prime Minister was seen waving from the balcony with his wife.

Meanwhile, our reporter met up with Bishop Popmycherry, who was seen at one of the makeshift stalls buying goreng pisang (banana fritters). When asked what transpired during the meeting, he said, “I am not sure. When I arrived at Putrajaya, I spent almost 30 minutes looking for a car park. Then when I went to the Prime Minister’s office, I was asked to wait at the lobby. My other colleagues, Reverend Thetutu, Archbishop Khoo, Father Nielsen and the Deflowered Alterboys were already present. We were asked to wait at the lobby and were served ‘teh-tarik’ and some kuih muih (sweets). We asked when we can see the Prime Minister and were told by an official to just wait. After about 1 hour, the Prime Minister arrived with several photographers. We were asked to shake hands with him and take some photos. He then left us.”

The Pisang Goreng Stall Where Bishop Popmycherry was Spotted

“We were very happy because we got to meet the Prime Minister. I could not take my eyes off his lips. It was so red like cherry, you know. Even Marilyn Monroe’s lips, in her famous air-vent pin-up poster, cannot match this la. I wanted to ask him his secret but scared la. Nevermind, maybe next time.” Popmycherry continued.

 The crowd partied on. Soon after our beloved Prime Minister and his wife left the balcony. We tried to catch the Prime Minister to have a few words but he had left his office.

Filed under: Local, Politics, malaysia prime minister, malaysian christian leaders

Breaking News – Malaysian Christian Leaders Asked to Attend Important Meeting with Malaysian Prime Minister

The recent headlines in a local Malay daily, on Christianity becoming the national religion of Malaysia, has sparked wide spread confusion amongst the Malaysian public. Malaysians were so confused that many did not turn up for work today since there was a rumour that the Prime Minister will declare a public holiday to commemorate this historic occasion.

On another front, many Malaysian Christian leaders were instructed to meet the Prime Minister at Putrajaya to discuss the controversy. Domino Popmycherry Mayam, the head Bishop from the Church of His Father, Her Mother and That Lady, when asked why he was asked to go to Putrajaya, said that, he received a telephone call asking him to attend a meeting with the beloved Prime Minister at Putrajaya. He said the person was stern over the phone and offered no explanation on the reason for the meeting. “But he said that I must attend at all cost or else,” Domino continued. Nevertheless, Domino was excited because he can get a chance to tell his friends that he met the beloved Prime Minister and he was also hoping that he might get a chance to take a photo with him.

Apart from Domino, other Christian leaders and personalities like Reverand Tommy Thetutu, Archbishop Perry Khoo, Father Nielsen and the famous Christian pop-group, The Deflowered Alterboys, are also expected to attend. It was believed that an order was also given to the Pope to attend but the Pope had mistakenly ended up in Malawi. The Vatican was believed to have sent their apologies to the Malaysian Government.

Swami Narayana Kutty Biggalingga and Ramasamy a/l Polliah of the Hindu Lingam, was also spotted at the gates to the Prime Minister’s office. When asked what they were doing there, Ramasamy said he was furious that he was not invited for the meeting. When explained that the meeting was only for Christian leaders, Ramasamy said that the Hindu’s would also like to voice their displeasure. When asked what this displeasure was, Ramasamy said that there are not enough temples in the country for the Hindus. They were soon after seen leaving the gates after some officials in suits had spoken to them and handed Ramasamy a parcel. We noted a tussel between Ramasamy and the Swami  over the parcel, as they were leaving.

Our reporter contacted the religious authorities from the Buddist faith to get their views. Monk Bhodisdharma Dylamo when contacted over the phone over this meeting, said in a very serene and calm voice “Man’s wife his bitter half, his mistress his better whole.” When asked to explain what he had just said, he went on saying “Don’t sweat the petty stuff, and don’t pet the sweaty stuff….”. He then hung up.

No Muslim leaders were contactable this Thursday evening. All calls to their mobile were unanswered. We are not sure the reason for this but we have faced this problem many times before when calls are made Thursday nights.

Our report will continue with updates on the meeting.

Filed under: Local, Politics, christianity official religion of malaysia, malaysian christian leaders, malaysian prime minister, meeting putrajaya