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The Real Boss In Malaysia

Malaysia's Big Mama

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Aussie Paper Clarifies Report On Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister’s Daughter But People Are Still Confused

Petaling Jaya (5th November 2011): An Australian newspaper has clarified that its report which stated that beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Datuk Seri Nabij’s daughter had gone on a shopping spree in Perth was not entirely true.

An online portal reported that The Western Australian, in its “Underhanded Corrections and Clarifications” column, admitted yesterday that someone who looked like and sounded like Nabij’s daughter but is not Nabij’s daughter, was in Perth during the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM). The daily had reported earlier that it was 100% certain that it was Nabij’s daughter who was in Perth.

In a report by the Western Australian on Monday about shopping and sightseeing by CHOGM delegates, it was claimed that a daughter of the Malaysian Prime Minister Nabij Razik spent A$60,000 (RM194,000) at a shopping mall.

“The Western Australian acknowledges that this was not the case and that someone who looked like and sounded like Nabij’s daughter but is not Nabij’s daughter was in Perth at the time,” it said in the correction.

Nabij had also clarified on Twitter, which he sent from an undisclosed hotel room in Port Dickson, that the news was not true but also not false but somewhere in between and could probably be something from the twilight zone.

“Don’t believe and spread lies. You either spread or believe lies. You cannot do both la. I don’t know where my daughter was at the time but my wife did not buy any jewellery,” he said in his tweet on Thursday.

The Underwear Allegedly Purchased by The First Lady

“What she purchased was large sized underwear and lingerie. Yes, she had to spend A$150,000 because large sized underwears are very costly in Perth”

“Why are the Malaysian’s people so nosey about what she does? It is our hard-earned money that she is spending. Why can’t she go on shopping spree as she pleases? Can’t she even buy large sized underwear without causing a stir? She is big so she needs large sized underwear. Please understand!” he tweeted.

Filed under: Jokes, Local, Politics, , , , , ,

Great Malaysian Corporate Leader Tan Sri Muneer Mujid Stresses That World Politicians Must Learn to Deal with Change

Seri Kembangan (5th November 2011): Politicians must learn to deal with change if any country in the world hopes to see through its transformation plans, said great Malaysian corporate leader Tan Sri Muneer Mujid.

Tan Sri Muneer Mujid

Muneer, who was has lead several major corporations in Malaysia, albeit the wrong way, stressed that the greatest challenge the world faced today was what he termed as “political change management”. This brilliant term, was coined by him to address the weakness he has uncovered with politicians the world over, after spending years analyzing himself and the world political landscape.

Taking the example of the Arab Spring, which saw the overthrow of dictatorships in several countries in the Middle East, he said there were common problems globally where obsolete and irresponsible political and corporate practices clashed with ever-changing business and societal needs. He likens this scenario to his very own experience at MAS.

“Politicians don’t know how to manage change properly,” he said at the World Chinese Economic Forum yesterday. “Please come and speak with corporate leaders like me and I will advise you how it is done,” he continued.

Muneer, speaking at a session titled “How To Speak About Transformation When Not Having Done It Yourself When You Had The Chance – The MAS Skrew-Up” pointed out that political change management was critical to ease in the many other elements of a nation’s transformation plan.

The Bank Mamakluat chairman commended Malaysia’s efforts to set benchmarks for its current transformation plan, but noted that it still leaved much to be desired in realising its goals. He said he is speaking from his own experience, having done the same.

“Not sometimes but all the time, Malaysia is good at sloganeering, but never in execution,” he said. “This is the same case with me but we are not talking about me right now, are we?” he said concluding his speech.

Filed under: Jokes, Local, , , ,

Breaking News – Malaysians Believed to Be Chief Masterminds Behind the Shocking Turnaround in Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s Sexual Assault Case.

New York, 4th July – The news of a possible revocation of the sexual assault charges against Dominique Strauss-Kahn, that emerged a couple of days earlier, came as a shocker to the world community.

Following the news, mass suicides were reported in Guinea followed by the mass exodus of wild animals.

The weather pattern also saw a mysterious and dramatic shift with the Level 5 Hurricane Rosmih, which has been making headlines around the world for the past week, and expected to make landfall in Papua New Guinea, suddenly disappearing.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who was the former IMF chief, was arrested in New York in May this year, after a chamber-maid at his suite in Hotel Sofitel lodged a police report accusing him of sexually assaulting her while she was cleaning his room.

Strauss-Kahn Looking More Suspect Than Harrison Ford in the movie Fugitive

The 32-year-old woman alleged that Mr. Strauss-Kahn had emerged from the bathroom naked and sexually assaulted her. After he came, she broke free and escaped the room and told hotel staff what had happened, who then called the police.

Subsequent to his arrest, Mr. Strauss-Kahn resigned his position as the Chief of IMF and his hopes of securing the highest office in France and consolidating his political career, was dealt a major blow.

But all that changed, when a couple of days earlier, serious flaws were noted in the allegations and statements made by the maid. In addition to this, the credibility of the victim was also in question.

With these serious draw-backs in the prosecution’s case, it is highly likely that all charges against Mr. Strauss-Kahn could be dropped. Mr. Strauss-Kahn has since been released from house arrest.

Several weeks prior to this sudden reversal in the case, a Malaysian team, believed to be lead by Datuk Rice Latim, the highly intelligent and cultured Malaysian Minister and Datuk Jalala Jajis, the Malaysian Ambassador to the US, was seen frequenting the TriBeCa residence of Mr. Strauss-Kahn in New York.

An official from the Malaysian Prime Minister’s office, who wants to remain anonymous, confirmed that a highly qualified team of experts was sent to New York to assist with a high profile case at the behest of the beloved Prime Minister.

The official also said that a very important French person from New York had enlisted the help of the Malaysian Prime Minister to assist with his case, since Malaysian politicians are known world-wide to posses’ high expertise and use uncanny tactics in coming out unscathed from sexual scandals and still hold high public office.

The official also confirmed that Datuk Jalala Jajis and Datuk Rice Latim were tasked with heading this mission. Both these individuals have wide exposure, expertise and first-hand experience in dealing with such matters. In addition to this, they specialize in hospitality industry workers.

Datuk Chui Soiled Egg was also considered but dropped at the last minute because his method of admit-first-and-then-make-a-come-back was highly risky and could back-fire.

According to the official, the Prime Minister also considered heading this mission himself but withdrew because his ‘shock and awe’ method was highly destructive and may not go down well with the Americans and Guineans. He said he will propose his method as a last resort if all others fail.

The official said that in return, this very important French person promised to channel funds for the coming general election campaign and also assist with a certain submarine purchase. He did not elaborate further.

Filed under: Politics, World, , , , , , ,

Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Says Honesty, Openess and Transparency is Vital For Leaders and Politicians To Gain Public Trust In Kazakhstan

ASTANA (11th June 2011): The beloved Malaysian Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Nabij Razik, was in Kazakhstan for a two day official visit.

From the onset, the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister’s visit was marred by claims by several quarters that he was in Kazakhstan to attend the wedding of Borat Sagdiyev’s sister. Borat Sagdiyev, who is a well known celebrity in Kazakhstan, is Datuk Seri Nabij’s personal friend. It was understood that Datuk Seri Nabij had met and befriended Borat in the United States when the latter was there on a study tour to learn and adopt best practices from the American culture for the benefit of his home country, Kazakhstan.

Wisma Putra in a rebuttal dismissed this claim and issued a statement to Berkhatan, the national news agency, claiming that the Malaysian Prime Minister’s visit to Kazakhstan was to reciprocate the visit by the Kazakhstan President to Malaysia. The Malaysian Prime Minister’s visit was also to strengthen bilateral ties with Kazakhstan through a cultural study tour program, attend a few seminars and to explore trade and investment opportunities.

Borat at the Launch of the Study Tour Program

The Malaysian Prime Minister’s itinerary included launching of the study tour program ‘Cultural Learning of Kazakhstan to Make Benefit the Glorious Nation of Malaysia’.  Coincidently, this program is the brainchild of Mr. Borat Sagdiyev. Borat mentioned that he mooted this idea to the Datuk Seri Nabij since Malaysia is well known for organizing many study tours for their ministers and government officials. Datuk Seri Nabij also announced that former Chief Minister of Selangor, Datuk Kirl Toyol will spearhead this study tour, since he has vast experience with study tours.

It was also mentioned in Wisma Putra’s statement that Datuk Seri Nabij also attended the 9th World Seminar on Proper Submarine Purchase Methodologies. The Malaysian Prime Minister is a patron to this event, ever since Malaysia purchased the Scorpene submarines in 2002. The statement also said that as a person with wide experience in submarine purchase, Datuk Seri Nabij had made it his responsibility to share his valuable experience at the seminar. This is a laudable act by a head of state.

Apart from this seminar, the Malaysian Prime Minister also attended the 2nd Asian Workshop on Prevention of Fighter Jet Engine Theft at Air Bases. The theme of this year’s workshop is ‘The Malaysian Experience’. Datuk Seri Nabij presented this important case study to the workshop participants, which included Defense Ministers from around Asia. The statement said that the participants appreciated the case study shared by the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister.

The highlight of the Malaysian Prime Minister’s visit was the launching of the study tour program ‘Cultural Learning of Kazakhstan to Make Benefit the Glorious Nation of Malaysia’. Among those who attended this launch were the President and Prime Minister of Kazakhstan. The launch went well with the exception of an embarrassing moment for the Malaysian Prime Minister while delivering his speech.

“Malaysia and Kazakhstan are great countries. There is a lot that both countries can learn from each other. Through this study tour, while we learn about the culture in Kazakhstan, we also hope to share with Kazakhstan about good governance. In Malaysia, my fellow ministers and I are very honest people. We understand and practice openness, honesty and transparency, which we know are vital if the people are to have faith that their government is working for them and not for itself” the Malaysian Prime Minister said followed by chuckles and giggles from the audience.

It was reported that the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister became perplexed upon seeing the reaction from the audience.

He nevertheless continued “We should be prepared to walk the talk…” Before he could finish there was laughter from the audience.

Looking agitated, he continued, “Good governance comes naturally to Muslim nations like Malaysia…….” By now, the laughter from the crowd was deafening. Datuk Seri Nabij, who at this point became very angry, shouted “What’s so funny, huh?” The laughter subsided.

A Kazakhstan government official was then seen running upstage and whispered something to the Malaysian Prime Minister. Suddenly the Malaysian Prime Minister’s face turned as red as his lips and he looked embarrassed. He was seen immediately trying hard to pull up his flyer but later we understand that it was stuck.

The official then announced to the audience that they will end the speech and proceed to the group photograph session. Immediately after the photograph session, the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister quickly ran backstage.

The Malaysian Prime Minister Keeping His Legs Closed and Looking Embarrased

We later spoke to the Kazakhstan government official and asked him what had happened. “I was not sure initially. But when I heard the people chuckling and giggling, I thought that they simply could not believe the guy’s speech. I mean listening to him speak about openness, honesty, transparency and all that. Come on, we are not born yesterday. But later when I asked my colleague, who was also giggling, he pointed to the Malaysian Prime Minister’s crotch. That was when I realized his private part was sticking out. So I immediately ran upstage…”

Nevertheless, Datuk Seri Nabij’s visit to Kazakhstan was reportedly a big success with trillions of dollar in investment deals being inked. When asked what these investment were, upon his earlier than scheduled arrival at KLIA, the Malaysian Prime Minister said “We will announce in due time. These are confirmed deals. But I cannot make public the details for the time being. But these are confirmed deals”

Filed under: World, , , , , ,

Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Gives Important Explanation on Why RON 95 Petrol, Diesel and LPG Prices Were Not Increased

The situation in the small press room was tense in anticipation of the important explanation by the beloved Prime Minister of Malaysia. Reporters from around the world had gathered here from morning to secure vantage positions. The poor ventilation and the dilapidated air-conditioning made the situation in the room even more unpleasant. Everyone was sweating and some could be seen sticking their heads out the window to get some fresh air. The Prime Minister is expected to give an important explanation on why the RON95 petrol prices were not increased.

Suddenly the side door to the room opened and a bodyguard briskly walked in followed by the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Nabij Razik, flanked by few other bodyguards and officials. We understand the Prime Minister arrived from Tokyo Disneyland. The reporters became frantic and were hurriedly pulling out their voice recorders and note pads. Everyone rushed to the front to get closer to the rostrum.

The Prime Minister was by now positioned at the rostrum. He looked hard across the room at all the reporters gathered there. The room was quiet all of a sudden with only whispers heard every now and then. “Wow, it is true what they say about his cherry-red lips. First time I am seeing it up close,” one reporter was heard whispering to his friend.

“The plight of my rakyat (people) is more important to me that anything else in this world” he started off without any pleasantries. “I will not budge for anything, if it involves the interest of my beloved rakyat. They are the ones that I work for and they are the ones I have devoted my life to. I wanted to become Prime Minister so that I could better serve the rakyat. That was my aim and sole purpose in life. I understand my rakyat’s sufferings. I know because I am constantly in touch with them. I can feel their pain. That is why I warned my ministers not to increase the RON95 petrol and diesel prices.”

“It is hard for the government to sustain the subsidies. We had initially budgeted RM11billion but because of the increase in the world oil prices, the amount of subsidies have ballooned to RM20 billion. This has affected the government financials. But I said to my ministers – never mind. The government will take this hit. We are here for the rakyat. We cannot burden them unnecessarily.”

“I hope the rakyat will appreciate what I am doing for them. I hope they understand how much we have done for them. You press people, please make the rakyat understand. Tell them that, from a macro economic perspective, maintaining such a huge subsidy is not good governance. I look like a fool taking such a stance but I am doing this for the rakyat. Please explain to them in simple terms as the rakyat does not understand macro economics.”

“Please do your part in explaining this to them properly, ok. For all the government has done for the rakyat, I still find that the rakyat does not appreciate it.”

“Why do you say that, sir?” asked an English reporter

The Prime Minister Looking Very Annoyed

“Look at the Sarawak elections. We have done much for the people there, but still they do not appreciate it. Especially a certain race, who are ungrateful of my government’s efforts. Sometimes I am getting fed-up with all this.  Why do anything for the rakyat, when they don’t reciprocate? We bring development and they vote for the opposition. Look at Selangor, Penang…….. What is wrong with the rakyat?

Suddenly he was quiet, realizing he was getting emotional and had veered off the subject. But  he still looked agitated. “I don’t know what the rakyat want? What more do they want, huh? They always want more. Never satisfied with whatever we have done. If I wanted to, I could have turned this country into Zimbabwe, but I didn’t. This is what I want the rakyat to see. Please laa…. Be thankful for what you have.”

“Ok, ok, thats all I have.  Come…lets have your questions”, said the Prime Minister in haste.

“Latuk Seli, how wrong can the gaawermen sustaining the subsidees, ah?” asked a timid looking female reporter from Sin Chew On It, a popular Malaysian Chinese daily.

The Shocked Chinese Reporter

“What…you think I am God, ah? I don’t control the oil prices laa. Please do not ask me stupid questions” lashed out the Prime Minister.

“Sir, what measures are you taking to reduce the impact of the subsidy on the government finances?” asked another reporter.

“We are taking alternative measures” Nabij replied

“What are these measures?” the reporter followed-up.

“As I said, these are alternative measures. I don’t have all the details yet, ok. I am a busy man. Let the relevant ministries finish their “kertas kerja” (working paper) and we will let you know.” he replied.

“Sir, are you doing all this because there could be a general election soon?” asked a Malaysian reporter.

“I already said don’t ask me stupid questions. I already told you that I am doing this for the rakyat. Do not connect everything I am doing with general election laa. Why are you people so shallow? Why can’t you accept that we are doing all this simply because we care for the rakyat? Is that so difficult to accept?” the Prime Minister replied looking very upset.

“Sir, there are many reports on corruption with notable cases such as the Malaysian Royal Customs, the PKFZ scandal, the submarine purchase, to name a few. The cost due to corruption and subsidies to crony companies runs into the billions. Don’t you think if the government can minimize or eradicate corruption and plug leakages in the system, the government might be able to afford these subsidies?” asked a reporter from Singapore.

The Prime Minister Hitting His Head

“Submarine purchase!!!” Nabij retorted looking very annoyed. “That commission was only RM500 million la. Here I am talking about a deficit of RM9billion. Can’t you do the maths? Did you go to school or not?” Suddenly Nabij recoiled and was silent. He had his palm to his forehead. Clearing his throat, he continued in a calmer tone, “Yes, yes, the government is working on those leakages. We have already taken certain measures on the customs and the PKFZ issues and many other cases. We are plugging all the holes. Ok,  ok, thats all the time I have…”

He left the rostrum and walked out of the room hurriedly followed by his officials and bodyguards. He was seen hitting his head as he was leaving.

Filed under: Local, Politics, , , , , , , , , ,

Malaysia’s Crucial Sodomy Trial – Prominent Opposition Leader Anwari Ordered to Enter Defence Against Sodomy Charge

Kuala Lumpur (Monday 16thMay 2011): A prominent opposition leader, Anwari Ebrahim is ordered by the Malaysian High Court to enter  his defence against a charge of sodomising his assistant Sayfool bin Book One Hari, three years ago. Anwari appeared at the High Court in full attire and seemed all ready to take on the powers that be. It was hard to establish his composure due to his attire. He was spotted standing at the corner of the courtroom waiting for his name to be called up.

Anwari standing at the corner of the courtroom in full attire

According to the Judge Mr. Doastold Orelse, Sayfool was a credible witness and his evidences / exhibits are highly incriminating although some are pretty pungent. “How can you do that to that boy?” he blasted Anwari. “Not only that, you and your lawyers went to say he is not a credible witness. How can he not be a credible witness when it was his own arsehole that was screwed? And you also say he is not a good Muslim…” at this point Judge Doastold could not hold back his emotions. He was disgusted at the same time. His eyes were welling up. “How can you say he is not a good Muslim,” he continued with slight stammer after having regained his composure. “How do you know he is not a good Muslim, huh? Do you know how much he suffered in trying to uphold justice in this nation? His suffering knew no bounds. That is what good Muslims do. He is a truthful and credible witness as far as I am concerned. His accounts were so detailed that I almost had a hard-on…eh…(clearing of throat)..broke down in tears.” At this point, he gestured at the staffs manning the court audio recorders. The court audience seemed slightly restless.

“Did you know that Sayfool, in an attempt to uphold justice, had preserved the semen stains in and around his anus for more than several days? During this time, he had not washed his anus. Do you know how difficult that is? How long have you gone without washing your anus?” he looked hard at Anwari. “He held back his crap during that period! It takes a lot of mental and physical strength to do that. Now you tell me if he is or is not a credible witness,” he stood up apparently very upset with Anwari and his defense team which includes Cripple Singh. The court audiences were silent. “He underwent great discomfort and sacrificed much in wanting to uphold justice and I will see to it that it is served!” he lambasted. The audiences were dumb-founded. At this point, we noted a noose being put around Anwari’s neck.

The agitated and emotional Judge Doastold

It was reported earlier, that Sayfool had preserved the semen stain around his anus for a considerable period of time before samples were taken and examined. “I can endure any hardship to ensure that justice is served. The nation’s integrity and justice is more important that my personal comfort. I had met our beloved Prime Minister, who had personally inspected my anus and also the semen stains. He gave me personal advice on how to preserve the stain. I am grateful to our beloved Prime Minister.”

“Although he is a very busy man, being the No.1 public servant in the country, he took time to attend to me. He is a very hands-on-man in these matters and will do anything for the interest of the nation. His advise and the time he spent with me is invaluable. I will forever cherish his gentle touch. I must say, not only does he have cherry-red lips but he also has very soft and gentle fingers,” giggled Sayfool during an earlier interview.

It was also reported that during the period Sayfool was preserving the semen stains, not only was his anus covered by fruit flies and larvaes, it was also infected with dangerous flesh eating bacteria and fungus. This resulted in his anus being almost gangrenous and filled with pus. He had called the beloved Prime Minister, who immediately instructed top medical specialist from within the country and abroad, to attend to Sayfool’s anus. Sayfool’s anus was treated carefully and the semen samples were extracted without contamination.

Sayfool's buttocks during preservation of semen stain (Note: Due to graphic nature of his anus, it will not be shown)

The treatment and extraction of the semen sample was very delicate and top specialists were also flown in from the US and UK. Amongst them is Dr. Arserus G. Backbiznes, who specializes in anus specimen extraction. “Yes, in my 40 years of experience, this is the toughest one. It was very difficult procedure. Here we had to treat a severely infected anus and at the same time perform uncontaminated extraction of the semen sample, which is of high national interest. This is the semen that will determine the future of this country.”

The semen samples have since been removed from Sayfool anus and placed at an undisclosed high security location, for further analysis and use during the court proceedings. Apart from the semen samples, it was also reported that the medical team have also found a lot off other evidences from Sayfool’s anus that could help solve many of the nations long pending cases, which could include the highly controversial submarine purchase. “Sayfool’s anus is a treasure trove. I was amazed with the amount of evidences we found. His anus is truly a national treasure.” said one of the medical specialist who wanted to remain anonymous.

Anwari is charged under section 337B of the penal code and if convicted, could be sentenced to 20 years in jail or whipped like a horse. It was hard to determine Anwari’s reaction due to his attire.

Filed under: Local, Politics, , , , ,

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