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Aussie Paper Clarifies Report On Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister’s Daughter But People Are Still Confused

Petaling Jaya (5th November 2011): An Australian newspaper has clarified that its report which stated that beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Datuk Seri Nabij’s daughter had gone on a shopping spree in Perth was not entirely true.

An online portal reported that The Western Australian, in its “Underhanded Corrections and Clarifications” column, admitted yesterday that someone who looked like and sounded like Nabij’s daughter but is not Nabij’s daughter, was in Perth during the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM). The daily had reported earlier that it was 100% certain that it was Nabij’s daughter who was in Perth.

In a report by the Western Australian on Monday about shopping and sightseeing by CHOGM delegates, it was claimed that a daughter of the Malaysian Prime Minister Nabij Razik spent A$60,000 (RM194,000) at a shopping mall.

“The Western Australian acknowledges that this was not the case and that someone who looked like and sounded like Nabij’s daughter but is not Nabij’s daughter was in Perth at the time,” it said in the correction.

Nabij had also clarified on Twitter, which he sent from an undisclosed hotel room in Port Dickson, that the news was not true but also not false but somewhere in between and could probably be something from the twilight zone.

“Don’t believe and spread lies. You either spread or believe lies. You cannot do both la. I don’t know where my daughter was at the time but my wife did not buy any jewellery,” he said in his tweet on Thursday.

The Underwear Allegedly Purchased by The First Lady

“What she purchased was large sized underwear and lingerie. Yes, she had to spend A$150,000 because large sized underwears are very costly in Perth”

“Why are the Malaysian’s people so nosey about what she does? It is our hard-earned money that she is spending. Why can’t she go on shopping spree as she pleases? Can’t she even buy large sized underwear without causing a stir? She is big so she needs large sized underwear. Please understand!” he tweeted.

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Filed under: Jokes, Local, Politics, , , , , ,

Great Malaysian Corporate Leader Tan Sri Muneer Mujid Stresses That World Politicians Must Learn to Deal with Change

Seri Kembangan (5th November 2011): Politicians must learn to deal with change if any country in the world hopes to see through its transformation plans, said great Malaysian corporate leader Tan Sri Muneer Mujid.

Tan Sri Muneer Mujid

Muneer, who was has lead several major corporations in Malaysia, albeit the wrong way, stressed that the greatest challenge the world faced today was what he termed as “political change management”. This brilliant term, was coined by him to address the weakness he has uncovered with politicians the world over, after spending years analyzing himself and the world political landscape.

Taking the example of the Arab Spring, which saw the overthrow of dictatorships in several countries in the Middle East, he said there were common problems globally where obsolete and irresponsible political and corporate practices clashed with ever-changing business and societal needs. He likens this scenario to his very own experience at MAS.

“Politicians don’t know how to manage change properly,” he said at the World Chinese Economic Forum yesterday. “Please come and speak with corporate leaders like me and I will advise you how it is done,” he continued.

Muneer, speaking at a session titled “How To Speak About Transformation When Not Having Done It Yourself When You Had The Chance – The MAS Skrew-Up” pointed out that political change management was critical to ease in the many other elements of a nation’s transformation plan.

The Bank Mamakluat chairman commended Malaysia’s efforts to set benchmarks for its current transformation plan, but noted that it still leaved much to be desired in realising its goals. He said he is speaking from his own experience, having done the same.

“Not sometimes but all the time, Malaysia is good at sloganeering, but never in execution,” he said. “This is the same case with me but we are not talking about me right now, are we?” he said concluding his speech.

Filed under: Jokes, Local, , , ,

MIC Vice-President Datuk M. Salavanan Tells Beloved Prime Minister Nabij that All Malaysian Indians are Grateful and Indebted to the Malaysian Government

BUKIT MERTAJAM (21st October 2011): Datuk M. Salavanan said that the Malaysian Indians are very grateful and indebted to the Malaysian Government and Prime Minister Datuk Seri Nabij for taking firm measures to uplift the economic status of the Malaysian Indian community. When asked how he knows that the Malaysian Indians are grateful to the Malaysian government, he said he can telephatically read the minds of all Malaysian Indians.

Datuk M. Salavanan

MIC vice-president Datuk M. Salavanan said that the community valued Nabij’s efforts in single-handedly lifting the Indians out of poverty over the past 2 years and ensuring they have a better living standard by allocating a lot of funds in the 2012 Budget.

He cited examples of successful Indians such as himself, Datuk Seri S. Semi Value and other prominent MIC members as the result of Barisan’s efforts to uplift the living standards of the Indians.

Salavanan, who is Deputy Minister of Federal Territory and Urban Wellbeing, said this was the first time that the Malaysian Government had set aside RM100mil for Tamil schools and RM500 million for refurbishment of temples nationwide. He said MIC will manage and distribute the funds as deemed fit.

The government has also established the Amanah Ikhtiar fund for the Indians to venture into small businesses such as manufacturing of prayer items, setting up garland & flower makeshift stalls and car-wash centers among others. Apart from that, this fund will be used to organize many singing competition, talent shows and 7 aside football matches.

Deepavali Food Distribution to Indians

He said this during a Deepavali aid presentation of food and prayer items sponsored by MK. Raja brand for the less fortunate here on Wednesday.

Also present were Penang MIC chief Senator P.K. Subayah, Bukit Mertajam MIC chief Datuk K.R. Murugian, Bukit Mertajam parliamentary ICU officer and state MCA secretary Lau CT, Padang Lalang ICU officer TT Cheng, Bukit Mertajam PPP division chief J. Chandrameehoon.

The event was jointly organized by Bukit Mertajam MIC, PPP divisions and the Taman Selamat Tamil Youth Bell Club.

He asked the Malaysian Indians to repent and vote for the Barisan Nasional as it is the only coalition that knows how to govern Malaysia and it is the only coalition that knows how to treat the Indians in Malaysia.

“We have rectified all our mistakes where in the past we thought the Indians did not know that we were not doing anything for them. Today we know that the Indians know that we did not do anything for them. So we urge the Malaysian Indians to give us a chance to do something instead of nothing, for them. We can only do something if the Indians vote us in. Otherwise we cannot do anything.”

“The Indians must remember that only MIC & Barisan Nasional knows how to treat the Indians. The Indians must return their support to the MIC and Barisan for successful continuation of this treatment. The continuity of this treatment is important and only the MIC and Barisan Nasional understand how to administer this treatment,” he said.

Filed under: Jokes, Local, Politics, , , ,

Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Rushes Back From Rome to Feed Hungry Malaysians, Who Have Been Starving For Years

Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Almost in Tears Looking at Malaysians Putting Up a Jovial Front Despite their Plight

Filed under: Local, Talking Pictures,

Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Nabij Razik Launches 1Malaysia Kedai Rakyat or the People’s Store to Help Malaysians Survive in Malaysia

Kuala Lumpur, 28th June 2011 – Last Wednesday, the beloved Prime Minister of Malaysia, Datuk Seri Nabij Razik launched the first of many 1Malaysia Kedai Rakyat or The People’s Store in the country.

He mentioned that the launch of the store showed that the 1Malaysia concept is not just a slogan but it took care of the essential needs of Malaysians. He said he was always concerned for the people since they find it hard to survive in Malaysia.

By having such stores around the country, the government can ensure that the people have access to the essential items which are vital for their survival in Malaysia.

Malaysians Gathered Early To Shop At The 1Malaysia Store

Malaysians all over the country were overjoyed upon hearing news of the 1Malaysia store. The night before the launch, a large crowd had gathered and camped outside the first 1Malaysia store at Kelana Jaya. They had gathered early to grab the essential survival items being sold.

Shoppers at the store were all given a free door gift which was a pin-poster of the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister. Most shoppers, in their frenzy to shop, simply skipped the door gift or just threw it away.

Apart from rice, sugar, eggs and other basic groceries, the store’s also offers essential survival items that will guarantee the well being of Malaysians in present day Malaysia.

The much anticipated item among Malaysians is the Bersih 2.0 detergent. Although doubtful the item will be sold at the 1Malaysia store, Malaysians harbored a glimmer of hope. Bersih 2.0 detergent is considered the most essential item by Malaysians from a poll that was conducted recently.

But their doubts were confirmed subsequent to the launch when shoppers found that the Bersih 2.0 detergent is not sold at

The Pin-Up Poster of the Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister

the 1Malaysia store. When en-quired, a store personnel just shrugged his shoulder and said ta tau (dunno).

Nevertheless, the 1Malaysia store offers many other essential survival items specially selected by the Malaysian government for Malaysians. These items are deemed essential for the well-being of Malaysians.

Among the many items is the miniature or spy cameras and its detectors.

“The government not only takes care of well-being of Malaysian, but we also keep tabs with the latest fad or trend that is sweeping the country. And we realized that Malaysians are currently fascinated with spy-shooting films. This is the current craze in Malaysia and we know it,” Nabij said.

From a fad, both the miniature or spy camera and the detectors have become essential items for survival in Malaysia and this has been recognized by the Ministry of Domestic Trade, Cooperatives and Consumerism. The ministry said that it is currently studying a proposal to classify these items as essential for survival and will look into regulating its prices.

Malaysia's Valiant and Ferocious Warrior with the Keris

Another essential survival item is the keris (traditional dagger) famously brandished by the great Malaysian warrior, Hisapputing. The keris, which is made in China, retails for RM10.99. The keris can be bought together with a life-sized Chinese-made mannequin for training purposes.

Essential books are also sold at these stores to educate Malaysians on the 1Malaysia concept and basics of survival in Malaysia. Some of the popular books sold at these stores include the famous Interlok book which retails for RM0.99 for Indians and RM4.99 for non-Indians.

“This book has been deemed important by the Malaysian government for Malaysians of all races so they understand their origins. They must understand their background and how lucky they are to be in Malaysia. This is essential and in-line with the 1Malaysian concept,” Nabij said.

Other popular books include Dummies Guide on Surviving in Malaysia – Tips for the Pendatangs, which is an essential read for the Indians and Chinese while the Malays are encouraged to read Understanding and Embracing UMINO – The Only Way to Salvation.

Another book that has helped transform many ordinary Malaysians into prominent politicians and successful

The Cover of Metamorphosis into A Malay - From Roti Canai Seller to Prominent Bumiputra

businessmen is the The Metamorphosis into a Malay – From Roti Canai Seller to Prominent Bumiputra.

In the leisure and travel section, there are fully-subsidized government one-way travel tickets to China and India which is expected to soar in popularity soon.

Another hot item from this section includes The Box Set DVD Collection of Hit Sex Videos of Famous Malaysians.

“The government understands that Malaysians are sex-crazed and we would like to encourage this. This is important if we are to achieve our 70 million population target,” Nabij said.

Nabij said that next the government plans to open up Restoran Rakyat (The People’s Restaurant), which will serve the famous 1Malaysia Meal.

Filed under: Local, Politics, , , , , ,

Minister Says Cyber Attack on Malaysian Government Website by Internet Hackers Group, Anonymous, is Not Fair and an Act of Cowardice

Kuala Lumpur, 22nd June 2011 – The recent attack on Malaysian government websites by internet hackers, Anonymous, will not be taken lightly by the Malaysian government. Malaysia’s most intelligent, highly cultured and Malaysia’s answer to the always-showing-off-their-academic-credentials Singaporean ministers, Minister of Information, Communication and Culture, Datuk Seri Rice Latim, said that the attack on the websites are uncalled for and not fair.

The Minister demonstrating a back-up silat move he plans to use to fend off the cyber attack

He mentioned that the hackers did not stick to their agreed attack time and had instead launched the attack earlier. “This is an act of cowardice and not gentlemanly. They did not keep their word and attacked while we were working on our contract with the Cyber Troopers,” he said. He went on to say that he could have prevented the attack if the hackers had stuck to their scheduled attack time. He also said that the Malaysian government will go after the perpetrators.

We were later made to understand that the Malaysian government, in preparation to fend off the attack from the hackers, had solicited the help of Malaysia’s foremost defense expert and highly acclaimed government advisor, Mr. Razik Badigna. Mr. Badigna had flown in all the way from United Kingdom, his current place of residence.

Mr. Badigna was instrumental in providing expert advice to the Malaysian government in the highly publicized submarine purchase deal. It is a well known fact that Mr. Badigna commands a very high fee for his services and it was rumored that he was paid a commission of RM500 million for assisting the Malaysian government with the submarine purchase. But his expert advice is worth every penny according to the Malaysian Defense Ministry.

Mr. Badigna flew in at very short notice and was asked to act as middleman in contracting the services of the Cyber Troopers to fend off the cyber attack and also provide total cyber security solutions. Mr. Badigna was tasked with establishing a Bumiputra private limited company, Perlimekap Sdn Bhd and managing a budget of RM500 million from the Malaysian government, for the project. The company was to seal a partnership deal with the Cyber Troopers and represent the Malaysian government in all dealings with the Cyber Troopers.

But despite Mr. Badigna’s involvement, the deal with the Cyber Troopers fell through at the very last minute.

Temjin during the interview with NHK

Later, Temjin, the chief spokesperson for the Cyber Troopers, in an interview with NHK mentioned that Mr. Badigna, had asked them to lower their fee to RM5 million for their services but they declined. This is lower than the RM50 million quoted by the Cyber Troopers through a closed tender exercise conducted by the Ministry of Information, Communication and Culture.

“No can do work for 5 million, nae? Cannot cover cost, nae. He say minister no agree to cost, nae. Why cannot pay 50 million, nae? I hear budget is 500 million, nae. Fakku, nae. Kuso kurae…..Minister bakayarou, nae,” Temjin said looking very angry during the interview with NHK.

Due to the collapse of the deal with the Cyber Troopers, the Malaysian government websites were

A webphoto of a minister that was defaced by the hackers

left vulnerable and were attacked by hackers, both foreign and local. Many of the websites were hacked and photos of Malaysian ministers were defaced.

Datuk Seri Rice Latim, who had given assurance that the attack will be prevented, could not be reached for comment subsequent to the attack. It was claimed that he was upset with the involvement of Mr. Badigna and other government departments in the tender exercise.  He has since flown to Indonesia for some unfinished personal business.

Meanwhile it was also purported that the government had paid Mr. Badigna for his services although the actual payout could not be determined.

Filed under: Local, Politics, , , , ,

Breaking News – Malaysian Indian Party (MIC) Ex-President and Ex-Malaysian Works Minister, Datuk Seri Semi Value, Finally Found

Ipoh (7th June) – The entire media fraternity was excited when news on the whereabouts of Ex-MIC president, Datuk Seri Semi Value, was passed on by an anonymous caller to a local Tamil daily.

The anonymous caller, who identified himself as Nice Black Man, had called the office of Tamil Batu Nisan, a popular Malaysian Tamil newspaper, and disclosed the secret location of the ex-minister.

Semi Value had disappeared from the Malaysian political and media scene after he quit as President of MIC, a post he has held for aeons.

Soon after, news of Mr. Value disappearance hogged the media headlines and this even prompted speculations that he had committed suicide by consuming paraquat, a practice constantly extolled by the Tamil cinema.

When journalist arrived at the Jelapang Toll Booth, the place where Semi Value was claimed to be, he was seen handing out toll tickets.

Upon seeing the big group of reporters, he tried to hide in the booth. But he later re-appeared with a smile and told the reporters that he is busy at work and can only see them during his lunch break.

As the reporters waited, they saw how Semi Value was carrying out his duty with such passion and dedication.

“He was totally absorbed in his work. I have never seen anyone work with such passion..,” said one reporter.

While waiting for Semi Value, a few reporters stopped some drivers to get their view on Semi Value.

“Halo auntie, you ada kenal itu orang dekat itu toll, ka?” asked a reporter to a old Chinese lady driver. (Do you recognize that guy at the toll booth?)

“Sapa…itu India..ka. Aiyah tatau laa eetu siaapa. Sayaa takut lo tenguk dia. Rambut macam hantuu..Muka macam samseng..” she replied. (Who? That Indian Man? I was afraid looking at him. Horrible hair and he looks like a gangster.)

“Tapi auntie, itu ialah Semi Value, kita punya menteri, laa” said the reporter trying to bring some excitement into the Chinese lady. (But Auntie, that guy is our former minister)

“Aiyah menteri kaa…..semua tipuu punya laa. Semua tarak guna lancau punya laaa….tipu olang jugak….” she said as she drove off. (Minister? All are cheats and useless)

Finally Semi Value was seen walking out of his booth. The reporters dashed to meet him.

“Hi, Datuk Seri, how long have you been working here,” a reporter asked.

“Iiiee have been working fer sometime.” Semi Value replied.

“But sir, why work at a toll booth?” came another question.

“This has been my passion ever since I was a small kid. I had always wanted to be a toll booth operator. It was my dream. My father used to beat me. He said I am useless and that I am only fit to become a sewage worker or garbage collector. That is your destiny, he said.

He said I had no chance of becoming a toll booth operator. I cried day and night. But deep inside this passion was burning. I laid out a plan and I worked towards it.

I told myself, if I am going to be a toll booth operator, I need to control the Public Works department and then build highways and set-up toll booths so I can work in them.

So now, my dream has come true. I have done it,” he said with tears in his eyes.

“This was the only reason why I became a Works minister. I have finally achieved my dream…,” he continued with tears rolling down his cheeks.

The reporters were confused and were not sure if they should share Semi Value’s grievances.

“Woi Semi! Apa lu bikin sama? Time makan sudah habis laaa. Cepat masuk kerja….” Semi’s supervisor was heard shouting from the office. (Hey Semi! Lunch time is over. Get back to work)

“Ok…ok…I have to go. Ok ahhhh…” Semi Value said as he hastily left for his booth.

Semi Value Taking His Work Very Seriously

Filed under: Local, Politics, , , , ,

KFC Malaysia Launches 1Malaysia Meal and Expected to be a Big Hit with Malaysians

Kuala Lumpur – KFC Malaysia today launched their latest meal package in support of the 1Malaysia concept mooted by the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister.

According to its CEO, Mr. Mamat, ever since the beloved Prime Minister mooted the idea of 1Malaysia, KFC Malaysia has been working hard to formulate a meal package that resonated with this concept and also something that has a true Malaysian flavor to it.

After many creative endeavors, which lasted months, they have finally succeeded. The new meal package, which has, as its main offering, chicken wings from the exquisite Mongolian chicken and local meatballs, is called the 1Malaysia Meal.

The KFC Malaysia design team, in an effort to create a stronger Malaysian look, has also replaced their signature Colonel Saunders face with that of Colonel Nabij, who was also a former defense chief and decorated war hero.

“Why do we need an American hero? We have our own local hero. Malaysia boleh…” said Mr Mamat.

Many who have tried the new meal package, described it as having a burnt and plasticy taste.

“That is the 1Malaysian flavor. This ‘explosive’ new flavor reflects everything happening presently in Malaysia and will definitely gain a lot of popularity among Malaysians. It will take Malaysia by storm!” said Mr. Mamat in response to the feedback.

The 1Malaysia Meal

Filed under: Local, , , ,

Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Gives Important Explanation on Why RON 95 Petrol, Diesel and LPG Prices Were Not Increased

The situation in the small press room was tense in anticipation of the important explanation by the beloved Prime Minister of Malaysia. Reporters from around the world had gathered here from morning to secure vantage positions. The poor ventilation and the dilapidated air-conditioning made the situation in the room even more unpleasant. Everyone was sweating and some could be seen sticking their heads out the window to get some fresh air. The Prime Minister is expected to give an important explanation on why the RON95 petrol prices were not increased.

Suddenly the side door to the room opened and a bodyguard briskly walked in followed by the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Nabij Razik, flanked by few other bodyguards and officials. We understand the Prime Minister arrived from Tokyo Disneyland. The reporters became frantic and were hurriedly pulling out their voice recorders and note pads. Everyone rushed to the front to get closer to the rostrum.

The Prime Minister was by now positioned at the rostrum. He looked hard across the room at all the reporters gathered there. The room was quiet all of a sudden with only whispers heard every now and then. “Wow, it is true what they say about his cherry-red lips. First time I am seeing it up close,” one reporter was heard whispering to his friend.

“The plight of my rakyat (people) is more important to me that anything else in this world” he started off without any pleasantries. “I will not budge for anything, if it involves the interest of my beloved rakyat. They are the ones that I work for and they are the ones I have devoted my life to. I wanted to become Prime Minister so that I could better serve the rakyat. That was my aim and sole purpose in life. I understand my rakyat’s sufferings. I know because I am constantly in touch with them. I can feel their pain. That is why I warned my ministers not to increase the RON95 petrol and diesel prices.”

“It is hard for the government to sustain the subsidies. We had initially budgeted RM11billion but because of the increase in the world oil prices, the amount of subsidies have ballooned to RM20 billion. This has affected the government financials. But I said to my ministers – never mind. The government will take this hit. We are here for the rakyat. We cannot burden them unnecessarily.”

“I hope the rakyat will appreciate what I am doing for them. I hope they understand how much we have done for them. You press people, please make the rakyat understand. Tell them that, from a macro economic perspective, maintaining such a huge subsidy is not good governance. I look like a fool taking such a stance but I am doing this for the rakyat. Please explain to them in simple terms as the rakyat does not understand macro economics.”

“Please do your part in explaining this to them properly, ok. For all the government has done for the rakyat, I still find that the rakyat does not appreciate it.”

“Why do you say that, sir?” asked an English reporter

The Prime Minister Looking Very Annoyed

“Look at the Sarawak elections. We have done much for the people there, but still they do not appreciate it. Especially a certain race, who are ungrateful of my government’s efforts. Sometimes I am getting fed-up with all this.  Why do anything for the rakyat, when they don’t reciprocate? We bring development and they vote for the opposition. Look at Selangor, Penang…….. What is wrong with the rakyat?

Suddenly he was quiet, realizing he was getting emotional and had veered off the subject. But  he still looked agitated. “I don’t know what the rakyat want? What more do they want, huh? They always want more. Never satisfied with whatever we have done. If I wanted to, I could have turned this country into Zimbabwe, but I didn’t. This is what I want the rakyat to see. Please laa…. Be thankful for what you have.”

“Ok, ok, thats all I have.  Come…lets have your questions”, said the Prime Minister in haste.

“Latuk Seli, how wrong can the gaawermen sustaining the subsidees, ah?” asked a timid looking female reporter from Sin Chew On It, a popular Malaysian Chinese daily.

The Shocked Chinese Reporter

“What…you think I am God, ah? I don’t control the oil prices laa. Please do not ask me stupid questions” lashed out the Prime Minister.

“Sir, what measures are you taking to reduce the impact of the subsidy on the government finances?” asked another reporter.

“We are taking alternative measures” Nabij replied

“What are these measures?” the reporter followed-up.

“As I said, these are alternative measures. I don’t have all the details yet, ok. I am a busy man. Let the relevant ministries finish their “kertas kerja” (working paper) and we will let you know.” he replied.

“Sir, are you doing all this because there could be a general election soon?” asked a Malaysian reporter.

“I already said don’t ask me stupid questions. I already told you that I am doing this for the rakyat. Do not connect everything I am doing with general election laa. Why are you people so shallow? Why can’t you accept that we are doing all this simply because we care for the rakyat? Is that so difficult to accept?” the Prime Minister replied looking very upset.

“Sir, there are many reports on corruption with notable cases such as the Malaysian Royal Customs, the PKFZ scandal, the submarine purchase, to name a few. The cost due to corruption and subsidies to crony companies runs into the billions. Don’t you think if the government can minimize or eradicate corruption and plug leakages in the system, the government might be able to afford these subsidies?” asked a reporter from Singapore.

The Prime Minister Hitting His Head

“Submarine purchase!!!” Nabij retorted looking very annoyed. “That commission was only RM500 million la. Here I am talking about a deficit of RM9billion. Can’t you do the maths? Did you go to school or not?” Suddenly Nabij recoiled and was silent. He had his palm to his forehead. Clearing his throat, he continued in a calmer tone, “Yes, yes, the government is working on those leakages. We have already taken certain measures on the customs and the PKFZ issues and many other cases. We are plugging all the holes. Ok,  ok, thats all the time I have…”

He left the rostrum and walked out of the room hurriedly followed by his officials and bodyguards. He was seen hitting his head as he was leaving.

Filed under: Local, Politics, , , , , , , , , ,

Malaysia’s Crucial Sodomy Trial – Prominent Opposition Leader Anwari Ordered to Enter Defence Against Sodomy Charge

Kuala Lumpur (Monday 16thMay 2011): A prominent opposition leader, Anwari Ebrahim is ordered by the Malaysian High Court to enter  his defence against a charge of sodomising his assistant Sayfool bin Book One Hari, three years ago. Anwari appeared at the High Court in full attire and seemed all ready to take on the powers that be. It was hard to establish his composure due to his attire. He was spotted standing at the corner of the courtroom waiting for his name to be called up.

Anwari standing at the corner of the courtroom in full attire

According to the Judge Mr. Doastold Orelse, Sayfool was a credible witness and his evidences / exhibits are highly incriminating although some are pretty pungent. “How can you do that to that boy?” he blasted Anwari. “Not only that, you and your lawyers went to say he is not a credible witness. How can he not be a credible witness when it was his own arsehole that was screwed? And you also say he is not a good Muslim…” at this point Judge Doastold could not hold back his emotions. He was disgusted at the same time. His eyes were welling up. “How can you say he is not a good Muslim,” he continued with slight stammer after having regained his composure. “How do you know he is not a good Muslim, huh? Do you know how much he suffered in trying to uphold justice in this nation? His suffering knew no bounds. That is what good Muslims do. He is a truthful and credible witness as far as I am concerned. His accounts were so detailed that I almost had a hard-on…eh…(clearing of throat)..broke down in tears.” At this point, he gestured at the staffs manning the court audio recorders. The court audience seemed slightly restless.

“Did you know that Sayfool, in an attempt to uphold justice, had preserved the semen stains in and around his anus for more than several days? During this time, he had not washed his anus. Do you know how difficult that is? How long have you gone without washing your anus?” he looked hard at Anwari. “He held back his crap during that period! It takes a lot of mental and physical strength to do that. Now you tell me if he is or is not a credible witness,” he stood up apparently very upset with Anwari and his defense team which includes Cripple Singh. The court audiences were silent. “He underwent great discomfort and sacrificed much in wanting to uphold justice and I will see to it that it is served!” he lambasted. The audiences were dumb-founded. At this point, we noted a noose being put around Anwari’s neck.

The agitated and emotional Judge Doastold

It was reported earlier, that Sayfool had preserved the semen stain around his anus for a considerable period of time before samples were taken and examined. “I can endure any hardship to ensure that justice is served. The nation’s integrity and justice is more important that my personal comfort. I had met our beloved Prime Minister, who had personally inspected my anus and also the semen stains. He gave me personal advice on how to preserve the stain. I am grateful to our beloved Prime Minister.”

“Although he is a very busy man, being the No.1 public servant in the country, he took time to attend to me. He is a very hands-on-man in these matters and will do anything for the interest of the nation. His advise and the time he spent with me is invaluable. I will forever cherish his gentle touch. I must say, not only does he have cherry-red lips but he also has very soft and gentle fingers,” giggled Sayfool during an earlier interview.

It was also reported that during the period Sayfool was preserving the semen stains, not only was his anus covered by fruit flies and larvaes, it was also infected with dangerous flesh eating bacteria and fungus. This resulted in his anus being almost gangrenous and filled with pus. He had called the beloved Prime Minister, who immediately instructed top medical specialist from within the country and abroad, to attend to Sayfool’s anus. Sayfool’s anus was treated carefully and the semen samples were extracted without contamination.

Sayfool's buttocks during preservation of semen stain (Note: Due to graphic nature of his anus, it will not be shown)

The treatment and extraction of the semen sample was very delicate and top specialists were also flown in from the US and UK. Amongst them is Dr. Arserus G. Backbiznes, who specializes in anus specimen extraction. “Yes, in my 40 years of experience, this is the toughest one. It was very difficult procedure. Here we had to treat a severely infected anus and at the same time perform uncontaminated extraction of the semen sample, which is of high national interest. This is the semen that will determine the future of this country.”

The semen samples have since been removed from Sayfool anus and placed at an undisclosed high security location, for further analysis and use during the court proceedings. Apart from the semen samples, it was also reported that the medical team have also found a lot off other evidences from Sayfool’s anus that could help solve many of the nations long pending cases, which could include the highly controversial submarine purchase. “Sayfool’s anus is a treasure trove. I was amazed with the amount of evidences we found. His anus is truly a national treasure.” said one of the medical specialist who wanted to remain anonymous.

Anwari is charged under section 337B of the penal code and if convicted, could be sentenced to 20 years in jail or whipped like a horse. It was hard to determine Anwari’s reaction due to his attire.

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