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Aussie Paper Clarifies Report On Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister’s Daughter But People Are Still Confused

Petaling Jaya (5th November 2011): An Australian newspaper has clarified that its report which stated that beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Datuk Seri Nabij’s daughter had gone on a shopping spree in Perth was not entirely true.

An online portal reported that The Western Australian, in its “Underhanded Corrections and Clarifications” column, admitted yesterday that someone who looked like and sounded like Nabij’s daughter but is not Nabij’s daughter, was in Perth during the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM). The daily had reported earlier that it was 100% certain that it was Nabij’s daughter who was in Perth.

In a report by the Western Australian on Monday about shopping and sightseeing by CHOGM delegates, it was claimed that a daughter of the Malaysian Prime Minister Nabij Razik spent A$60,000 (RM194,000) at a shopping mall.

“The Western Australian acknowledges that this was not the case and that someone who looked like and sounded like Nabij’s daughter but is not Nabij’s daughter was in Perth at the time,” it said in the correction.

Nabij had also clarified on Twitter, which he sent from an undisclosed hotel room in Port Dickson, that the news was not true but also not false but somewhere in between and could probably be something from the twilight zone.

“Don’t believe and spread lies. You either spread or believe lies. You cannot do both la. I don’t know where my daughter was at the time but my wife did not buy any jewellery,” he said in his tweet on Thursday.

The Underwear Allegedly Purchased by The First Lady

“What she purchased was large sized underwear and lingerie. Yes, she had to spend A$150,000 because large sized underwears are very costly in Perth”

“Why are the Malaysian’s people so nosey about what she does? It is our hard-earned money that she is spending. Why can’t she go on shopping spree as she pleases? Can’t she even buy large sized underwear without causing a stir? She is big so she needs large sized underwear. Please understand!” he tweeted.


Filed under: Jokes, Local, Politics, , , , , ,

Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Launches the 1Malaysia Meal Coupon To Enable All Malaysians To Have Proper Meals

MECCA (4th November 2011): The beloved Prime Minister of Malaysia, Datuk Seri Haji Nabij today launched the 1Malaysia Meal Coupon in Mecca.

This is another product introduced by the beloved Prime Minister under his 1Malaysia line of products. Among other products recently introduced under the 1Malaysia brand includes the 1Malaysia Meal, 1Malaysia Menu, Kedai 1Malaysia, 1Malaysia Housing Program, 1Malaysia Clinic and others.

The 1Malaysia Meal Coupon

The 1 Malaysia Meal Coupon can be purchased by all Malaysian from post offices nationwide for the price of RM3 per coupon, from 8th November onwards. An individual is only entitled to 5 coupons per week and only Malaysian above the age of 21 years are eligible to purchase these coupons. The coupon will allow Malaysians to purchase meals worth RM13 for the price of RM3 from all participating restaurants.

Several hundred thousand of illegal immigrants, who were recently granted Malaysian citizenship, are also eligible to purchase these coupons, regardless of age. Each immigrant is also entitled to 5 coupons per week but in addition to this they will also receive 5 free coupons which allows them to purchase a slice of one-side buttered bread.

When asked why this additional coupon for new citizens, the Prime Minister replied that this is given as a token to welcome the new citizens and also to remind them which side to lean when the time comes. He didn’t elaborate further.

On the coupon, the beloved Prime Minister is pictured chatting up a cashier and displaying a dish to show Malaysians what they will be entitled for, with the RM3 coupon. He said that the dish, which includes 2 cups of rice, two pieces of chicken, fried beef, bean sprouts and papadam, and with an actual cost of RM13, will be made the official 1Malaysian Meal and will complement the 1Malaysia Meal introduced by KFC. To avoid any confusion, this new dish will be called 1Malaysia Meal 2.0. He also cautioned Malaysians that the cashiers are off-limits.

During his speech, the beloved Prime Minister mentioned that he is constantly thinking about the Malaysian people. And this idea to introduce the 1Malaysian Meal Coupon came like a flash to him. He went on to say that all these efforts undertaken by him and the BN government shows how much they care for the Malaysian people. He reminded Malaysians to count their blessings as he is presently doing at the Holyland.

The launch ceremony was abuzz with the catchy 1Malaysia Meal Coupon phrase “Now everyone can eat”.

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MIC Vice-President Datuk M. Salavanan Tells Beloved Prime Minister Nabij that All Malaysian Indians are Grateful and Indebted to the Malaysian Government

BUKIT MERTAJAM (21st October 2011): Datuk M. Salavanan said that the Malaysian Indians are very grateful and indebted to the Malaysian Government and Prime Minister Datuk Seri Nabij for taking firm measures to uplift the economic status of the Malaysian Indian community. When asked how he knows that the Malaysian Indians are grateful to the Malaysian government, he said he can telephatically read the minds of all Malaysian Indians.

Datuk M. Salavanan

MIC vice-president Datuk M. Salavanan said that the community valued Nabij’s efforts in single-handedly lifting the Indians out of poverty over the past 2 years and ensuring they have a better living standard by allocating a lot of funds in the 2012 Budget.

He cited examples of successful Indians such as himself, Datuk Seri S. Semi Value and other prominent MIC members as the result of Barisan’s efforts to uplift the living standards of the Indians.

Salavanan, who is Deputy Minister of Federal Territory and Urban Wellbeing, said this was the first time that the Malaysian Government had set aside RM100mil for Tamil schools and RM500 million for refurbishment of temples nationwide. He said MIC will manage and distribute the funds as deemed fit.

The government has also established the Amanah Ikhtiar fund for the Indians to venture into small businesses such as manufacturing of prayer items, setting up garland & flower makeshift stalls and car-wash centers among others. Apart from that, this fund will be used to organize many singing competition, talent shows and 7 aside football matches.

Deepavali Food Distribution to Indians

He said this during a Deepavali aid presentation of food and prayer items sponsored by MK. Raja brand for the less fortunate here on Wednesday.

Also present were Penang MIC chief Senator P.K. Subayah, Bukit Mertajam MIC chief Datuk K.R. Murugian, Bukit Mertajam parliamentary ICU officer and state MCA secretary Lau CT, Padang Lalang ICU officer TT Cheng, Bukit Mertajam PPP division chief J. Chandrameehoon.

The event was jointly organized by Bukit Mertajam MIC, PPP divisions and the Taman Selamat Tamil Youth Bell Club.

He asked the Malaysian Indians to repent and vote for the Barisan Nasional as it is the only coalition that knows how to govern Malaysia and it is the only coalition that knows how to treat the Indians in Malaysia.

“We have rectified all our mistakes where in the past we thought the Indians did not know that we were not doing anything for them. Today we know that the Indians know that we did not do anything for them. So we urge the Malaysian Indians to give us a chance to do something instead of nothing, for them. We can only do something if the Indians vote us in. Otherwise we cannot do anything.”

“The Indians must remember that only MIC & Barisan Nasional knows how to treat the Indians. The Indians must return their support to the MIC and Barisan for successful continuation of this treatment. The continuity of this treatment is important and only the MIC and Barisan Nasional understand how to administer this treatment,” he said.

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Breaking News – Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Arrives at London and Collapses Shortly After Meeting with Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace

London 14th July 2011 – Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister collapsed and had to be rushed to a nearby hospital for immediate treatment shortly after his meeting with Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace.

The Malaysian Prime Minister arrived at Buckingham Palace at about noon on Thursday.

A palace official said that he noticed the Malaysian Prime Minister looking very anxious when Queen Elizabeth II arrived in a yellow dress, to greet him and his wife.

As the Malaysian Prime Minister was shaking the Queen’s hand, he became dizzy and collapsed soon afterwards.

An emergency team was rushed to his aid and he was soon sent off to the nearest public hospital.

Dr. Ambika Sreenivasam, the physician who attended to the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister, said that he suffers from Xanthophobia.

“From the test we have done, it is confirmed that he suffers from Xanthophobia. Otherwise, he has a clean bill of health or ‘bersih’ as you would say in Malay,” she said smiling.

The beloved Malaysian Prime Minister was asked to leave the hospital soon after.

Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Shaking Queen Elizabeth's Hand Shortly Before He Collapsed

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Breaking News – Malaysians Believed to Be Chief Masterminds Behind the Shocking Turnaround in Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s Sexual Assault Case.

New York, 4th July – The news of a possible revocation of the sexual assault charges against Dominique Strauss-Kahn, that emerged a couple of days earlier, came as a shocker to the world community.

Following the news, mass suicides were reported in Guinea followed by the mass exodus of wild animals.

The weather pattern also saw a mysterious and dramatic shift with the Level 5 Hurricane Rosmih, which has been making headlines around the world for the past week, and expected to make landfall in Papua New Guinea, suddenly disappearing.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who was the former IMF chief, was arrested in New York in May this year, after a chamber-maid at his suite in Hotel Sofitel lodged a police report accusing him of sexually assaulting her while she was cleaning his room.

Strauss-Kahn Looking More Suspect Than Harrison Ford in the movie Fugitive

The 32-year-old woman alleged that Mr. Strauss-Kahn had emerged from the bathroom naked and sexually assaulted her. After he came, she broke free and escaped the room and told hotel staff what had happened, who then called the police.

Subsequent to his arrest, Mr. Strauss-Kahn resigned his position as the Chief of IMF and his hopes of securing the highest office in France and consolidating his political career, was dealt a major blow.

But all that changed, when a couple of days earlier, serious flaws were noted in the allegations and statements made by the maid. In addition to this, the credibility of the victim was also in question.

With these serious draw-backs in the prosecution’s case, it is highly likely that all charges against Mr. Strauss-Kahn could be dropped. Mr. Strauss-Kahn has since been released from house arrest.

Several weeks prior to this sudden reversal in the case, a Malaysian team, believed to be lead by Datuk Rice Latim, the highly intelligent and cultured Malaysian Minister and Datuk Jalala Jajis, the Malaysian Ambassador to the US, was seen frequenting the TriBeCa residence of Mr. Strauss-Kahn in New York.

An official from the Malaysian Prime Minister’s office, who wants to remain anonymous, confirmed that a highly qualified team of experts was sent to New York to assist with a high profile case at the behest of the beloved Prime Minister.

The official also said that a very important French person from New York had enlisted the help of the Malaysian Prime Minister to assist with his case, since Malaysian politicians are known world-wide to posses’ high expertise and use uncanny tactics in coming out unscathed from sexual scandals and still hold high public office.

The official also confirmed that Datuk Jalala Jajis and Datuk Rice Latim were tasked with heading this mission. Both these individuals have wide exposure, expertise and first-hand experience in dealing with such matters. In addition to this, they specialize in hospitality industry workers.

Datuk Chui Soiled Egg was also considered but dropped at the last minute because his method of admit-first-and-then-make-a-come-back was highly risky and could back-fire.

According to the official, the Prime Minister also considered heading this mission himself but withdrew because his ‘shock and awe’ method was highly destructive and may not go down well with the Americans and Guineans. He said he will propose his method as a last resort if all others fail.

The official said that in return, this very important French person promised to channel funds for the coming general election campaign and also assist with a certain submarine purchase. He did not elaborate further.

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Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Nabij Razik Launches 1Malaysia Kedai Rakyat or the People’s Store to Help Malaysians Survive in Malaysia

Kuala Lumpur, 28th June 2011 – Last Wednesday, the beloved Prime Minister of Malaysia, Datuk Seri Nabij Razik launched the first of many 1Malaysia Kedai Rakyat or The People’s Store in the country.

He mentioned that the launch of the store showed that the 1Malaysia concept is not just a slogan but it took care of the essential needs of Malaysians. He said he was always concerned for the people since they find it hard to survive in Malaysia.

By having such stores around the country, the government can ensure that the people have access to the essential items which are vital for their survival in Malaysia.

Malaysians Gathered Early To Shop At The 1Malaysia Store

Malaysians all over the country were overjoyed upon hearing news of the 1Malaysia store. The night before the launch, a large crowd had gathered and camped outside the first 1Malaysia store at Kelana Jaya. They had gathered early to grab the essential survival items being sold.

Shoppers at the store were all given a free door gift which was a pin-poster of the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister. Most shoppers, in their frenzy to shop, simply skipped the door gift or just threw it away.

Apart from rice, sugar, eggs and other basic groceries, the store’s also offers essential survival items that will guarantee the well being of Malaysians in present day Malaysia.

The much anticipated item among Malaysians is the Bersih 2.0 detergent. Although doubtful the item will be sold at the 1Malaysia store, Malaysians harbored a glimmer of hope. Bersih 2.0 detergent is considered the most essential item by Malaysians from a poll that was conducted recently.

But their doubts were confirmed subsequent to the launch when shoppers found that the Bersih 2.0 detergent is not sold at

The Pin-Up Poster of the Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister

the 1Malaysia store. When en-quired, a store personnel just shrugged his shoulder and said ta tau (dunno).

Nevertheless, the 1Malaysia store offers many other essential survival items specially selected by the Malaysian government for Malaysians. These items are deemed essential for the well-being of Malaysians.

Among the many items is the miniature or spy cameras and its detectors.

“The government not only takes care of well-being of Malaysian, but we also keep tabs with the latest fad or trend that is sweeping the country. And we realized that Malaysians are currently fascinated with spy-shooting films. This is the current craze in Malaysia and we know it,” Nabij said.

From a fad, both the miniature or spy camera and the detectors have become essential items for survival in Malaysia and this has been recognized by the Ministry of Domestic Trade, Cooperatives and Consumerism. The ministry said that it is currently studying a proposal to classify these items as essential for survival and will look into regulating its prices.

Malaysia's Valiant and Ferocious Warrior with the Keris

Another essential survival item is the keris (traditional dagger) famously brandished by the great Malaysian warrior, Hisapputing. The keris, which is made in China, retails for RM10.99. The keris can be bought together with a life-sized Chinese-made mannequin for training purposes.

Essential books are also sold at these stores to educate Malaysians on the 1Malaysia concept and basics of survival in Malaysia. Some of the popular books sold at these stores include the famous Interlok book which retails for RM0.99 for Indians and RM4.99 for non-Indians.

“This book has been deemed important by the Malaysian government for Malaysians of all races so they understand their origins. They must understand their background and how lucky they are to be in Malaysia. This is essential and in-line with the 1Malaysian concept,” Nabij said.

Other popular books include Dummies Guide on Surviving in Malaysia – Tips for the Pendatangs, which is an essential read for the Indians and Chinese while the Malays are encouraged to read Understanding and Embracing UMINO – The Only Way to Salvation.

Another book that has helped transform many ordinary Malaysians into prominent politicians and successful

The Cover of Metamorphosis into A Malay - From Roti Canai Seller to Prominent Bumiputra

businessmen is the The Metamorphosis into a Malay – From Roti Canai Seller to Prominent Bumiputra.

In the leisure and travel section, there are fully-subsidized government one-way travel tickets to China and India which is expected to soar in popularity soon.

Another hot item from this section includes The Box Set DVD Collection of Hit Sex Videos of Famous Malaysians.

“The government understands that Malaysians are sex-crazed and we would like to encourage this. This is important if we are to achieve our 70 million population target,” Nabij said.

Nabij said that next the government plans to open up Restoran Rakyat (The People’s Restaurant), which will serve the famous 1Malaysia Meal.

Filed under: Local, Politics, , , , , ,

Minister Says Cyber Attack on Malaysian Government Website by Internet Hackers Group, Anonymous, is Not Fair and an Act of Cowardice

Kuala Lumpur, 22nd June 2011 – The recent attack on Malaysian government websites by internet hackers, Anonymous, will not be taken lightly by the Malaysian government. Malaysia’s most intelligent, highly cultured and Malaysia’s answer to the always-showing-off-their-academic-credentials Singaporean ministers, Minister of Information, Communication and Culture, Datuk Seri Rice Latim, said that the attack on the websites are uncalled for and not fair.

The Minister demonstrating a back-up silat move he plans to use to fend off the cyber attack

He mentioned that the hackers did not stick to their agreed attack time and had instead launched the attack earlier. “This is an act of cowardice and not gentlemanly. They did not keep their word and attacked while we were working on our contract with the Cyber Troopers,” he said. He went on to say that he could have prevented the attack if the hackers had stuck to their scheduled attack time. He also said that the Malaysian government will go after the perpetrators.

We were later made to understand that the Malaysian government, in preparation to fend off the attack from the hackers, had solicited the help of Malaysia’s foremost defense expert and highly acclaimed government advisor, Mr. Razik Badigna. Mr. Badigna had flown in all the way from United Kingdom, his current place of residence.

Mr. Badigna was instrumental in providing expert advice to the Malaysian government in the highly publicized submarine purchase deal. It is a well known fact that Mr. Badigna commands a very high fee for his services and it was rumored that he was paid a commission of RM500 million for assisting the Malaysian government with the submarine purchase. But his expert advice is worth every penny according to the Malaysian Defense Ministry.

Mr. Badigna flew in at very short notice and was asked to act as middleman in contracting the services of the Cyber Troopers to fend off the cyber attack and also provide total cyber security solutions. Mr. Badigna was tasked with establishing a Bumiputra private limited company, Perlimekap Sdn Bhd and managing a budget of RM500 million from the Malaysian government, for the project. The company was to seal a partnership deal with the Cyber Troopers and represent the Malaysian government in all dealings with the Cyber Troopers.

But despite Mr. Badigna’s involvement, the deal with the Cyber Troopers fell through at the very last minute.

Temjin during the interview with NHK

Later, Temjin, the chief spokesperson for the Cyber Troopers, in an interview with NHK mentioned that Mr. Badigna, had asked them to lower their fee to RM5 million for their services but they declined. This is lower than the RM50 million quoted by the Cyber Troopers through a closed tender exercise conducted by the Ministry of Information, Communication and Culture.

“No can do work for 5 million, nae? Cannot cover cost, nae. He say minister no agree to cost, nae. Why cannot pay 50 million, nae? I hear budget is 500 million, nae. Fakku, nae. Kuso kurae…..Minister bakayarou, nae,” Temjin said looking very angry during the interview with NHK.

Due to the collapse of the deal with the Cyber Troopers, the Malaysian government websites were

A webphoto of a minister that was defaced by the hackers

left vulnerable and were attacked by hackers, both foreign and local. Many of the websites were hacked and photos of Malaysian ministers were defaced.

Datuk Seri Rice Latim, who had given assurance that the attack will be prevented, could not be reached for comment subsequent to the attack. It was claimed that he was upset with the involvement of Mr. Badigna and other government departments in the tender exercise.  He has since flown to Indonesia for some unfinished personal business.

Meanwhile it was also purported that the government had paid Mr. Badigna for his services although the actual payout could not be determined.

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Breaking News – Malaysian Indian Party (MIC) Ex-President and Ex-Malaysian Works Minister, Datuk Seri Semi Value, Finally Found

Ipoh (7th June) – The entire media fraternity was excited when news on the whereabouts of Ex-MIC president, Datuk Seri Semi Value, was passed on by an anonymous caller to a local Tamil daily.

The anonymous caller, who identified himself as Nice Black Man, had called the office of Tamil Batu Nisan, a popular Malaysian Tamil newspaper, and disclosed the secret location of the ex-minister.

Semi Value had disappeared from the Malaysian political and media scene after he quit as President of MIC, a post he has held for aeons.

Soon after, news of Mr. Value disappearance hogged the media headlines and this even prompted speculations that he had committed suicide by consuming paraquat, a practice constantly extolled by the Tamil cinema.

When journalist arrived at the Jelapang Toll Booth, the place where Semi Value was claimed to be, he was seen handing out toll tickets.

Upon seeing the big group of reporters, he tried to hide in the booth. But he later re-appeared with a smile and told the reporters that he is busy at work and can only see them during his lunch break.

As the reporters waited, they saw how Semi Value was carrying out his duty with such passion and dedication.

“He was totally absorbed in his work. I have never seen anyone work with such passion..,” said one reporter.

While waiting for Semi Value, a few reporters stopped some drivers to get their view on Semi Value.

“Halo auntie, you ada kenal itu orang dekat itu toll, ka?” asked a reporter to a old Chinese lady driver. (Do you recognize that guy at the toll booth?)

“Sapa…itu India..ka. Aiyah tatau laa eetu siaapa. Sayaa takut lo tenguk dia. Rambut macam hantuu..Muka macam samseng..” she replied. (Who? That Indian Man? I was afraid looking at him. Horrible hair and he looks like a gangster.)

“Tapi auntie, itu ialah Semi Value, kita punya menteri, laa” said the reporter trying to bring some excitement into the Chinese lady. (But Auntie, that guy is our former minister)

“Aiyah menteri kaa…..semua tipuu punya laa. Semua tarak guna lancau punya laaa….tipu olang jugak….” she said as she drove off. (Minister? All are cheats and useless)

Finally Semi Value was seen walking out of his booth. The reporters dashed to meet him.

“Hi, Datuk Seri, how long have you been working here,” a reporter asked.

“Iiiee have been working fer sometime.” Semi Value replied.

“But sir, why work at a toll booth?” came another question.

“This has been my passion ever since I was a small kid. I had always wanted to be a toll booth operator. It was my dream. My father used to beat me. He said I am useless and that I am only fit to become a sewage worker or garbage collector. That is your destiny, he said.

He said I had no chance of becoming a toll booth operator. I cried day and night. But deep inside this passion was burning. I laid out a plan and I worked towards it.

I told myself, if I am going to be a toll booth operator, I need to control the Public Works department and then build highways and set-up toll booths so I can work in them.

So now, my dream has come true. I have done it,” he said with tears in his eyes.

“This was the only reason why I became a Works minister. I have finally achieved my dream…,” he continued with tears rolling down his cheeks.

The reporters were confused and were not sure if they should share Semi Value’s grievances.

“Woi Semi! Apa lu bikin sama? Time makan sudah habis laaa. Cepat masuk kerja….” Semi’s supervisor was heard shouting from the office. (Hey Semi! Lunch time is over. Get back to work)

“Ok…ok…I have to go. Ok ahhhh…” Semi Value said as he hastily left for his booth.

Semi Value Taking His Work Very Seriously

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Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Gives Important Explanation on Why RON 95 Petrol, Diesel and LPG Prices Were Not Increased

The situation in the small press room was tense in anticipation of the important explanation by the beloved Prime Minister of Malaysia. Reporters from around the world had gathered here from morning to secure vantage positions. The poor ventilation and the dilapidated air-conditioning made the situation in the room even more unpleasant. Everyone was sweating and some could be seen sticking their heads out the window to get some fresh air. The Prime Minister is expected to give an important explanation on why the RON95 petrol prices were not increased.

Suddenly the side door to the room opened and a bodyguard briskly walked in followed by the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Nabij Razik, flanked by few other bodyguards and officials. We understand the Prime Minister arrived from Tokyo Disneyland. The reporters became frantic and were hurriedly pulling out their voice recorders and note pads. Everyone rushed to the front to get closer to the rostrum.

The Prime Minister was by now positioned at the rostrum. He looked hard across the room at all the reporters gathered there. The room was quiet all of a sudden with only whispers heard every now and then. “Wow, it is true what they say about his cherry-red lips. First time I am seeing it up close,” one reporter was heard whispering to his friend.

“The plight of my rakyat (people) is more important to me that anything else in this world” he started off without any pleasantries. “I will not budge for anything, if it involves the interest of my beloved rakyat. They are the ones that I work for and they are the ones I have devoted my life to. I wanted to become Prime Minister so that I could better serve the rakyat. That was my aim and sole purpose in life. I understand my rakyat’s sufferings. I know because I am constantly in touch with them. I can feel their pain. That is why I warned my ministers not to increase the RON95 petrol and diesel prices.”

“It is hard for the government to sustain the subsidies. We had initially budgeted RM11billion but because of the increase in the world oil prices, the amount of subsidies have ballooned to RM20 billion. This has affected the government financials. But I said to my ministers – never mind. The government will take this hit. We are here for the rakyat. We cannot burden them unnecessarily.”

“I hope the rakyat will appreciate what I am doing for them. I hope they understand how much we have done for them. You press people, please make the rakyat understand. Tell them that, from a macro economic perspective, maintaining such a huge subsidy is not good governance. I look like a fool taking such a stance but I am doing this for the rakyat. Please explain to them in simple terms as the rakyat does not understand macro economics.”

“Please do your part in explaining this to them properly, ok. For all the government has done for the rakyat, I still find that the rakyat does not appreciate it.”

“Why do you say that, sir?” asked an English reporter

The Prime Minister Looking Very Annoyed

“Look at the Sarawak elections. We have done much for the people there, but still they do not appreciate it. Especially a certain race, who are ungrateful of my government’s efforts. Sometimes I am getting fed-up with all this.  Why do anything for the rakyat, when they don’t reciprocate? We bring development and they vote for the opposition. Look at Selangor, Penang…….. What is wrong with the rakyat?

Suddenly he was quiet, realizing he was getting emotional and had veered off the subject. But  he still looked agitated. “I don’t know what the rakyat want? What more do they want, huh? They always want more. Never satisfied with whatever we have done. If I wanted to, I could have turned this country into Zimbabwe, but I didn’t. This is what I want the rakyat to see. Please laa…. Be thankful for what you have.”

“Ok, ok, thats all I have.  Come…lets have your questions”, said the Prime Minister in haste.

“Latuk Seli, how wrong can the gaawermen sustaining the subsidees, ah?” asked a timid looking female reporter from Sin Chew On It, a popular Malaysian Chinese daily.

The Shocked Chinese Reporter

“What…you think I am God, ah? I don’t control the oil prices laa. Please do not ask me stupid questions” lashed out the Prime Minister.

“Sir, what measures are you taking to reduce the impact of the subsidy on the government finances?” asked another reporter.

“We are taking alternative measures” Nabij replied

“What are these measures?” the reporter followed-up.

“As I said, these are alternative measures. I don’t have all the details yet, ok. I am a busy man. Let the relevant ministries finish their “kertas kerja” (working paper) and we will let you know.” he replied.

“Sir, are you doing all this because there could be a general election soon?” asked a Malaysian reporter.

“I already said don’t ask me stupid questions. I already told you that I am doing this for the rakyat. Do not connect everything I am doing with general election laa. Why are you people so shallow? Why can’t you accept that we are doing all this simply because we care for the rakyat? Is that so difficult to accept?” the Prime Minister replied looking very upset.

“Sir, there are many reports on corruption with notable cases such as the Malaysian Royal Customs, the PKFZ scandal, the submarine purchase, to name a few. The cost due to corruption and subsidies to crony companies runs into the billions. Don’t you think if the government can minimize or eradicate corruption and plug leakages in the system, the government might be able to afford these subsidies?” asked a reporter from Singapore.

The Prime Minister Hitting His Head

“Submarine purchase!!!” Nabij retorted looking very annoyed. “That commission was only RM500 million la. Here I am talking about a deficit of RM9billion. Can’t you do the maths? Did you go to school or not?” Suddenly Nabij recoiled and was silent. He had his palm to his forehead. Clearing his throat, he continued in a calmer tone, “Yes, yes, the government is working on those leakages. We have already taken certain measures on the customs and the PKFZ issues and many other cases. We are plugging all the holes. Ok,  ok, thats all the time I have…”

He left the rostrum and walked out of the room hurriedly followed by his officials and bodyguards. He was seen hitting his head as he was leaving.

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Malaysian Prime Minister Visit to New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) a Big Success in Attracting American Investor to Invest in Malaysia

New York: Beloved Prime Minster, Datuk Seri Nabij Razik’s visit to NYSE was a big success. During his visit there, he had launched Invest Malaysia 2011, which attracted many investors from the US. Subsequent to his visit, it was reported that trillions of dollars in investments in set to flow into Malaysia over the next few years.

The Malaysian Prime Minister arrived at NYSE, being very cautious after the unpleasant incident at the airport. To make up for the incident at the airport, President Obama had instructed New York Mayor, Mr. Blomberd to personally drive the Prime Minister to NYSE. Accompanying him in the car was Malaysian Ambassador to the US, Datuk Jalala Jajis.

The beloved Prime Minister arrived safely at NYSE at 10.15am. There was no untoward incident reported at the time of his arrival albeit a peaceful demonstration held by the Organization for Women Workers at Cigar Bars. They were protesting sexual harassment by customers at Cigar Bars.

One of the protestors.

As the Prime Minister stepped out of the car, he was greeted by the Malaysian contingent who comprised Malaysian corporate leaders, Malaysian embassy officials, representatives of the various Malaysian government agencies and students from the prestigious Berkshire University. “Where is Jalala?” he enquired as he was stepping out of the car realizing that the Malaysian Ambassador was missing. Without giving much thought to the Ambassador’s absence, the Prime Minister, accompanied by Mayor Blomberd and the CEO of NYSE, Mr. Lebowitz, walked into NYSE.

As the beloved Prime Minister made his entrance into NYSE, there was a large audience comprising many Malaysians and some US corporate figures, awaiting his arrival. “Welcome your highness,” greeted a top US corporate figure as he shook hands with the beloved Prime Minister. Many were pushing and shoving to get an opportunity to shake the Prime Minister’s hand. The Prime Minister was then accompanied unto the stage where he was to deliver his keynote address. On stage, he was seated together with Malaysian embassy officials and heads of various Malaysian government agencies. Mr. Lebowitz gave an opening speech and officially welcomed the beloved Prime Minister to NYSE.

“It is a great honor for us to have such a great personality, His Highness, Mr. Seri, to be present at the NYSE.” Immediately there was a surprise look on the Malaysians seated on stage. Some of them attempted to stand-up and visibly looked upset. The Prime Minister was calm and had an assuring look that things will be taken care off. The audience looked bewildered.  Mr. Lebowitz noticing something amiss had interrupted his speech and was looking around clueless. A Malaysian aide was seen quickly running up the stage in panic and uttered something to Mr. Lebowitz.  

“My sincere apologies, Mr. Razik. Everyone was addressing you as Datuk Seri so I assumed Seri was your surname. My apologies again. Anyway, without further a due, let us welcome His Highness the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Nabij Razik.” There was a roaring applause from the audience. All Malaysian dignitaries seated on stage were on their feet even before the Prime Minister was up. They all held out their hands in unison ushering the Prime Minister to the rostrum. The Prime Minister held up his hands waving at the audiences and signaled to those on stage to be seated.

When the Prime Minister was at the rostrum, the applause from the crowd mellowed out. “Thank you, Mr. Lebowitz for welcoming me. I forgive you for the small error you made.” he smiled as he looked at Lebowitz who returned his smile. The Malaysian government officials seated on the stage, laughed. Giggles were also heard from the crowd. Then there was silence. The crowd watched as the Beloved Prime Minister adjusted his suit and earpiece. He then extended his arms and rested them on both sides of the rostrum, and he then, fixated his look on the audience. He had a grim look on his face.

“Dear American investors….,” he started with a deep and firm voice. “MALAYSIA………. has for many years been waiting for you.” he paused. The audience looked serious and was very attentive. “We have been laying the foundations for you.” he paused and then took a deep breath.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!!!” he suddenly lashed out. Mr. Lebowitz fell from his chair. “GET IN NOW” he shouted. Many in the audience, especially those sitting at the front row, were shocked by the sudden outburst. One member of the audience was seen holding his chest and gasping for breath.  Another was seen wiping his face feverously. The Malaysians applauded.

The Shocked Audience at NYSE

“Weeeee…..weeee as a nation, are ready for you! But are you ready to take us on??!! Come NOW! I am warning you! Do not tell me later I did not warn you! Come and take us while we are hot. We are spread open and we want you in us. GET IN AND GET IN DEEEEEEEP….” the Prime Minister continued looking extremely furious. He seemed to be in deep ecstasy at the same time. Some even reported seeing his eyeballs rolled back. The audience, still reeling from shock from the sudden outburst, looked scared and bewildered. The Malaysians meanwhile were cheering and applauding.

The Prime Minister then went on with his speech. The audience was quiet throughout. He emphasized 10 key reasons why the American should invest in Malaysia. He urged the Americans to get in on the ground floor and then move up to the fourth floor. “Get in at the ground floor. From there, we will take you to the fourth floor. It is an opportune time. We have launched the Government Transformation Program and also Economic Transformation Program. We were caterpillars before and now we want to be butterflies. We want to soar. So do not wait. Come in while my government is there to help you. If you wait any longer, I cannot guarantee it is going to be as lucrative. So I urge you to come in NOW! There is still much left in the barrel to be scraped. But if you wait any longer, it will be gone. Come in and work with our corporate elites” emphasized the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister also spoke about the Malaysian aspiration to become a quick income nation instead of a high income nation. “We have actually achieved the status of a quick income nation a long time back. This is better than being a high income nation. Investors want quick money and that is what Malaysia is all about. In Malaysia, a newly established company can make as much as RM500 million overnight. We have many such success stories. We have such business expertise and acumen and we are willing to teach you how this is done. This is the kind of potential we have in Malaysia. So come invest here and we will show you our definition of quick returns.” he said gripping the rostrum.

The Prime Minister also touched on the measures taken to ensure transparency in business conduct in Malaysia. “We have launched the Whistleblower act to ensure that all unethical business practices are given due attention. And I am glad to say that from the time this act was put in place, very few have used this whistle. The few that did were all false alarms. And we do not tolerate false alarm. So be careful and do not simply blow this whistle or you will pay the price. We view false alarm very seriously. Apart from the whistleblower act, we also have the government e-procurement system. This is a state of the art system. This is a highly sophisticated system that can detect unethical business conduct and will immediately alert the authorities when malpractices are detected. Ever since this system was implemented, I am glad to say we have not recorded any malpractices. So with all these, what more do you need, huh?” he said looking annoyed with the audience.

The Prime Minister also touched on the Malaysian aspiration to become the only country where 100% of its citizens have high moral values. “Malaysia is well on her way to becoming a country, where 100 percent of her citizens, have high moral values. And I can assure you, through years of effort, we are only months away to achieving this target. Our KPI minister, Mr. Koshoo Cacoon, can confirm this. There is only 1 person left in our country, who is of low moral value. This person indulges in unnatural sex and the only one in our country. He is currently being tried and justice will be served. And once this guy is put away, god bless, in a few months we will achieve this target.” concluded the Prime Minister to a roaring applause from the audience. He was then invited to take questions from the floor.

A slim feminine figure was immediately spotted walking gracefully and sexily, from the back of the hall towards the microphone stand placed close to the stage. Due to the lighting in the hall, her face was not clearly visible. Everyone in the audience was trying hard to get a good look at her. She was very sensuous. The Prime Minister, being on stage, was also trying hard to get a good look at her. As her appearance became more visible, there were gasps and wows heard from the audience. The audience, especially the males, looked mesmerized by her presence. The Prime Minister was still peering until she reached the microphone stand. In a very sexy voice, she said, “I am Hantuya Ponti Anna from the Crime and Investigation Channel.” The Prime Minister’s face changed instantly and he looked very apprehensive.

Miss Ponti Anna continued, “I would like to touch on the transparency practiced in Malaysia with a particular focus on the many covered up high profile cases involving politicians. Case number one pertains to…..” At this point, Nabij was seen perspiring profusely from his wide forehead and had great difficulty breathing. His legs were becoming weak and it looked like he was going to collapse. “My God!….Mr. Prime Minister, are you okay?!” Miss Ponti Anna shrieked while running towards the stage. The Prime Minister was seen holding on to the rostrum for support. Everyone on stage rushed to his aid. The Prime Minister became unconscious and was immediately taken off the stage in a stretcher. It was learnt that the Prime Minister was put on the next immediate flight to Malaysia.

Miss Hantuya Ponti Anna

After the unfortunate situation, we spoke to some of the Malaysian government officials to get their views on the entire event. Aminah from the Malaysian Ministry of Trade said “Yes….yes…it was a great event la. Great food, you know. Did you try the ‘nasi lemak’? But I am so sad for my beloved Datuk Seri. I dunno what happen to him laaa. What happen, ah? Anyway, I hope he recover so soon. Very unfortunate la, he had to leave early. You tau tak, he even got an invitation from some David Litterman to appear on a veeerrry popular TV show. That is how popular our Datuk Seri is. I was told that this Litterman had asked Datuk Seri to present the 10 key reasons to invest in Malaysia on the Top Ten List segment. Sayang laa, that would have been a very good chance for us to promote Invest Malaysia. Tapi dah kehendak Tuhan, nak buat macam mane (But alas its God’s will, what can we do). Missed opportunity la”

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